"Resident Evil... Alien versus Predator style and rampant with stupid humans! "

First off, I am a HUGE Predator fan! And I've never really seen an Alien movie in its entirety, but I did see Resident Evil a few years ago. Coincidentally, this movie and that movie were directed and written by the same person: Paul W.S. Anderson.

I had my reservations as soon as the trailer came out and informed me that AVP is rated PG-13. PG-13!?! There's never been anything less than an R-rated Alien or Predator movie! And now the combination of the two makes for "violence, language, horror images, slime and gore?" Let me tell you the gore was pretty weak but the slime was heavy!

Anyway, the Resident Evil similarities begin like this. A giant corporation notices an energy reaction somewhere in the arctic "underground" in a temple with "transformative" characteristics. The Weyland Corp. quickly assembles a team of the world's best scientists (in flashy and overly dramatic ways. For instance, the lead character is called on her cell phone while she's climbing an ice formation by Weyland's PA and shockingly, once the conversation ends, it turns out he didn't need to use the phone because it happens that he's already waiting for her at the summit with a private chopper! How come she didn't notice that copter fly in above her? She was too focused on the climb? Come on! And then Weyland is introduced in the hull of a private tanker, but this cargo hold apparently has been rigged up with dozens of assembly chairs (for the 10 people they hired methodically) and there's giant tv screens a guards... in the cargo hold of the rusty tanker? And then Weyland appears from the back of the hold... not the front where he's expected to be... making seem more important...ugh boring!)

Sorry, ran off there. Weyland informs his crew about the energy output they discovered and he wants to claim it before other companies do. Well, that's what he claims originally. What he really wants to do is make a lasting name for himself before he dies. But you'll find that out, briefly, later. Luckily, Weyland hired a the best detectives in the world! Because most of them decipher through this conversation and no physical evidence that this energy spike is from an ancient maya/inca/and something else temple.

The female lead (I don't remember her name, or anybody else's for that matter, but it's not important anyway because Anderson didn't care about them either. So I won't waste time.) objects to the whole mission to go to the temple and look around. She decides to leave, so Weyland hires his second choice... which makes her jealous so she's essentially persuaded into staying.

It's been about 10 or 15 minutes and still no Alien or Predator action. I'm bored.

They go to the site and find an abandoned whaling facility, abandoned for about 100 years. Yet, despite the harsh arctic weather, it has held up nicely. The wooden structures are just covered with snow and kind of broken in places.

Then bam! The Predators land, but you don't get to see them... just their ships. Meanwhile, some guy with a camera is stumbling around blabbing about how he has to stay alive to go home and be with his kids. A typical device of empathy for a character in this kind of movie. Too bad he's gonna die soon anyway. Don't waste your time caring for this guy!

Time to speed things up. Yeah, half this movie is boring as hell. Anyway, this camera guy gets scared by a penguin hiding in a shed. (That's one lost penguin! I guess he doesn't have those natural instincts to stay with the flock. He's walrus fodder.)

Half the team crawls down into the temple while the other half stay behind and get ruined by Predators. The main team in the temple wander around touching everything in sight and waking up the temple and the Alien Queen in the process. Everybody there acts like they're curious, but each one can immediately answer questions and solve the mysteries of the temple! (Two of the guys are familiar with hieroglyphics so each time they enter a room they figure out what everything is... so much for the mystery.)

Anyway, the Alien Queen is awake and she starts crapping eggs. Then the party stumbles onto the Predators' weapon stash (they aren't sure what they've found for once) and the Predators' show up to take the weapons back. Luckily, Weyland's PA brought semi-automatics hidden inside the cases they've been carrying and they are revealed in the most macho of moments in the movie. However, Weyland's PA is quickly snagged by a Predator with a bola snare! And this special snare quickly compacts, cutting the victim into cubes. BAM!

Now here's the gold! The PA is actually the same actor who played the team leader who got cut into cubes in that room in Resident Evil!

Time to wrap this up. Finally Aliens and Predators encounter one another and they have some grand battles. But just as fast, the Predators are no match for Aliens without their special weapons so they get mowed down in about 5 minutes. Three Predators go in, one comes out... for now.

I did like the Predator variations. They did have different masks and armor which was interesting. We even get to see a Predator mark his kill by spreading Alien acid into designs on his helmet.

After more escaping from the Aliens, the movie finally goes all the way down hill as the lead actress saves a Predator's life and kills an Alien herself! She gives him the weapon he needs (she pleads with the Predator like he can understand her or something... just useless dialog) and the Predator fashions a staff and "alien head armor" for her in return. They spend the rest of the movie escaping together and offing Aliens as needed. What a team!? Humans and Predators working together! That's just what I wanted in this movie. (sarcasm).

The final sequence is pretty cool despite the last human fighting as well as the "badass Predator" (as a gent in the audience graciosly pointed out to us)... and the rest is for you to see... if you want to. I wouldn't more than once. You could rent Resident Evil instead and get the same story arc if you care about that sort of thing.

The action is quickly cut, violent images are immediately cut away. I'm almost certain this was done to get that PG-13 rating. I have a feeling there will be some R rated footage for the UNRATED version of the DVD when its released.

Despite this movie, I'm sure someone will get it right someday. And Mr. Anderson needs to get over the whole "dumb team goes into unknown building, get killed one-by-one, one reluctant hero remains" movie.

In all, Alien vs Predator is cool for the last 30 minutes. The characters are smart and dumb at the same time. The Predators are reduced to anti-heroes who taught us how to build things and "treated the ancient humans like cattle." I'd say that only fans of the Aliens will be satisfied because this movie doesn't tamper with them at all. And the story isn't compelling at all. Humans just end up in the mix. The movie tries to make them appear valuable but everybody is useless anyway.